Sometimes delaying reflection brings events into sharper focus and promotes a clearer understanding of their meaning in the context of our lives. As the approach of the second anniversary of survival nears, events at the onset of this illness have been on my mind. I can identify stirrings of awareness of something seriously wrong as early as three months prior to Diagnosis Day (October 26, 2006).
For example, in July 2006 I found myself telling Michael, out of the blue in a lull in dinner preparations that I hoped he would remarry after my death, surprising myself as well as him. Where did that come from? We discussed it briefly, mostly along the lines of “what are you thinking of?” and “what brought this up now?”
In the months that followed other similar non-sequiturs burst without bidding from my lips. There had been no recent deaths of family or close friends that might cause me to reflect on my mortality. No physical cues appeared to alert me that illness lurked in the near future. At that time I felt the same as ever.
I tried to puzzle out the meaning of these thoughts. They didn’t alarm me but their appearance gave me a vague sense of uneasiness. I was curious about why they popped up. Looking back, some might say they revealed unconscious premonitions. Perhaps it was simply a natural cluster of thoughts about “putting my affairs in order” appropriate to that time of my life. At no time did I share these thoughts with Michael. More about pre-diagnosis days in a future blog.
We are grateful to have had these two years to find an effective chemotherapy treatment that has extended my life and to all of you who have so actively given your time and prayers on our behalf.
Copyright 2008
www.lindalater.blogspot.com
Posted: August 10, 2008
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