You look great! they say. Or on the telephone: You sound wonderful! So strong and healthy! I don’t argue because hearing that gives me a lift, an especially beneficial remedy. The surprise in their voices reveals their expectation of seeing an emaciated, tottering, critically ill patient, the stereotype of a person with cancer. Or, it may be due to a comparison with a remembered version of me earlier in this illness. Then I wonder: How did I sound or look before?
The fact is that I am feeling somewhat better, though not as much better as I would like to feel, nor as well as others perceive. Right now I feel fundamentally stronger than I did a year ago, while simultaneously experiencing a wave of momentarily (meaning days or weeks) more intense side effects or symptoms, especially nausea.
We briefly glimpsed what feeling better means a few months ago when I was experiencing exuberant strength and gleeful good spirits. I immediately started planning a Fall full of enticing travel plans which we have had to cancel one by one as strength and spirit have eroded. A small step back even as the imaging and bloodwork numbers improve.
So a credibility gap has developed between appearance and reality. One reason is the carryover effect of my previous persona. I have spent a goodly portion of my life in public “on stage” as a presenter and a marketing person, promoting the best aspects of a product or service as well as myself. Furthermore, I am an unabashed Pollyanna, always looking for the positive in any situation even in the shadow of a daunting reality.
Here’s to bringing reality closer to perception! Thank you for being here and living this time with us.
Copyright 2008
www.lindalater.blogspot.com
Posted: August 8, 2008
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