With fingers drumming, I wait. Next imaging and blood tests are scheduled in Charleston, South Carolina for Thursday, Friday and the following Monday. Tension builds daily.
I become jittery: restless, distracted. Not fully engaged with what I’m doing, I repeat myself. I initiate a task only to realize that I had finished it earlier. My lists are my salvation. Remembering to cross “done” items off when completed is another memory hurdle.
Repetition plagues my conversation. Ever-patient family and friends disregard these lapses, a true sign of love and caring. Telephonic customer service personnel attend to my needs professionally without impatient sighs or expressing exasperation with an audio equivalent of rolling their eyes.
Tuning out of conversation is another distraction. I appear to be listening attentively until someone says “So what do you think of that?” and I haven’t the faintest idea of what I should be forming an opinion. My mind is preoccupied. Tension sneaks up on me, insidiously blocking awareness of the present. My mind must be napping while my body carries on, half dozing.
The most taxing “jitter” is what I call sleeping “uptight.” I awake to discover my muscles stiff with tension, my fists clenched. How can anyone sleep that way?!
Time to renew meditation, calm my mind, slow responses and focus on resolving the turmoil of ambiguity and uncertainty that storms through my mind. Time to step up my yoga practice and clear the small still space within that keeps me centered and in balance.
Jitters will resolve in their slowly unfolding fashion next week. Thank you for being with us.
Copyright 2008
www.lindalater.blogspot.com
Posted July 14, 2008
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